midwEek brain dump

When will I learn my lesson? Caffeine, bad! I have a splitting headache all because I love that damned raspberry tea at Sonic. I'll pull in of a morning just to get the Route 44 version... nothing else. I know caffeine is bad, but do I stop drinking tea? no. I know high-fructose corn syrup is uber bad, but do I stop drinking sodas? not entirely. I guess I'll have to end up with a brain tumor before I actually say goodbye for good.

The headache is not as bad as it could be. I've had the kind that leaves you drooling on the pillow, and your eyes throbbing with each beat of your heart. Those are scary headaches. I'm paying for it today, but thankfully I'm only getting the happy meal version. Here's my headache poem...

The Rhythm of Pain

Despondency danced a bitter turn
Each step attuned to the rhythm of pain
And ague ~ Oh, what an insistent pill
A tyranny desirous of a last resort
Where pain is safely put to bed
Clubbed mercilessly and staining the sheet
One pill ~ One retreat and saving grace
And despondency cleansed and senseless in the surf


ELAshley
062006.063721.6
75 minutes of brain-cramping toil
...and a migraine in the wings

More poetry can be found at the Muslin Opaque

* * *

I'm building a 2010 politics page for the station. Regional stuff primarily. I hate having to go through the station's "Clickability" platform. I'd prefer to just build it the way I want it to look, but now it's becoming increasingly clear that I'll have no choice but to use Clickability.

For what it's designed to do, it does make things a lot simpler, but it doesn't allow for any real creativity within a company standards paradigm.

Here's the banner I built for the page. Click on the image to see it full size.

* * *

Lunch tomorrow with my lunch buddy. Assuming, of course, nothing comes up. I've been unlucky of late getting her to a restaurant.

I saw her at the "Spotlight on Business" expo at the Civic Center yesterday afternoon. She's as beautiful as ever.

I have no doubt she'll be just as beautiful tomorrow.

e's wEekly brain dump

Here then is a Haiku. One I wrote years and years ago-- and not particularly good but apropos given my direction with today's post...

music lifts my heart
from a deep pit of ashes
the remnants of death

I can't speak for anyone but myself but music does a great number of things for me, which is why I find so much meaning and context in my life through music. I began this post in the afternoon, and returning late in the evening, Huckabee on Fox covered the same material. It would seem that research has been done into what kind of music soldiers have been listening to to get into the kind of mindset that allows them to enter combat... to set the mental-stage for 'kill or be killed'.

Music then, it would seem, is a multi-faceted muse. To some she brings fire, to others she brings resolve, to some inspiration... and to others?

Meredith Brooks wrote a song called What Would Happen that, though it got little airplay, is the best tune on her hit album containing the more popular tune, Bitch. What makes this song so provocative (and no one's saying Bitch isn't provocative) are the questions it raises. And with them that fear co-mingled with lust everyone experiences at some point in their lives.

What would happen if we kissed?
Would your tongue slip past my lips?
Would you run away?
Would you stay?
Or would I melt into you?
Lust to lust?
Spontaneous - ly combust?

First time I heard this song I thought, 'Whoa! What's this chick doing in MY head!?' The verses were uniquely her experience, but the chorus... it's universal. It's primal, and it speaks to every heart whether it beats in the chest of a man or woman. I keep a list of songs I deem perfect for sex, and this one ranks pretty high.

Now, knowing my penchant for assigning people to songs, and songs to people, do you think I've assigned this particular song to a particular person?

* * *

I spent the bulk of late afternoon and evening watching TLC, watching the super-morbidly obese struggle to survive the milieu they've staged for themselves. At the last was a return visit to David Smith, the 650lb virgin-- sans 400 lbs --and his struggle to navigate the world he spent his entire life watching from the outside... looking in, as it were. I'm nowhere near as over-weight as David was-- a loss of eighty pounds would see me at my target weight. David had to lose 400. I only have to lose 80.

I have the same problems he does, socially speaking (though for different reasons), and I only need to lose 20% of what he lost-- I too am learning to socialize. No, I haven't spent the last ten or fifteen years in a flesh cocoon or morbidly obese proportions, but I have spent the last thirty-three years in a different kind of cocoon.

* * *

To quote another great tune... by The Moody Blues:

I'm looking for someone to change my life
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me
To lose the the love I knew
Could safely lead me to
The land that I once knew
To learn as we grow old
The secrets of our souls

And at 49, I wonder if I'm running out of time.

e's wEekly brain dump

I never would have bothered otherwise, because I am loathe to like or appreciate anything Oprah Winfrey promotes-- this has nothing to do with skin color --but it was on the Disney Channel this morning and I had nothing else to do, so I watched Akeelah and the Bee. Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett? amazing actors both, so I was sure I could get something out of it. And that I did.

In my previous post I spoke of fear... of moving on... of fleeing in spite of the guns that awaited. Fear will keep a man in a situation he would otherwise flee the moment his situation is truly grasped. I know fear. So did Akeelah. And her instructor, Mr. Fishburne, told her to read a quote that was framed upon the wall of his office...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

--Marianne Williamson

I can find nothing wrong with this statement, but I can find something to add.

Like the three servants, each given differing amounts of talents by their master, we are charged to use what we are given to not only enrich the Lord who bestowed to us our talents, and to demonstrate our faithfulness to his command, but to also show his glory through the gifts he has given that others might be drawn to him. We can choose to bury our talents, but then our Lord is not enriched, we are become unfaithful, and our light does not shine.

Were we all given candles and we chose not to light them, what light then would shine to draw others to shelter? God gives us our gifts for a reason. To not light that candle, is to tell God he is wrong about you... that you couldn't possibly do what he already knows you can. It is fear that keeps the candle unlit, that buries our talents that none can be thereby edified. We fear the kind of success HE asks of us.

* * *

I have come to realize that as much as you might want something, that something may not want you. Sometimes you have to let it go, and set your sights on something else. Only pain can result from chasing what does not wish to be caught.

e's wEekly brain dump

A lot of talk and a lot of chaotic internal reflection. It's becoming more and more inevitable that I will, in just 5 or 6 months be on my own for the first time in almost twenty years. No I am not getting a divorce-- I've never married. But I am losing a room mate.

I've asked her to marry me numerous times, but she has always dodged the answer. She has said often enough she doesn't want to marry anyone... period. And I'm tired of being single, tired of being celibate, tired of not being able to share who I am with someone who love me enough to share their life with me. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm depressed. And I'm so desperately lonely.

* * *

Due to the end of Daylight Savings Time there was one more hour of Halloween last night.

* * *

I've decided that if I fall in love with anyone, I want someone who's chatty. Someone like Mary Angel; someone who, despite her chattiness, is also willing and ready to listen without interruption; who knows when to let me talk and when to ask questions or encourage or embrace me unconditionally.


And that's enough for this week. I don't think I can bear to continue.

e's wEekly brain dump

I did something this week I swore I'd never do... create a MySpace page. And now that's I've got one I haven't a clue what to do with it. I have to be careful, however, to make sure nothing potential future employers [or girlfriends or people whom I respect, or will come to respect] see or read that would paint me in a negative light. I wish to retain a measure of respect from everyone I meet. Sounds fair, right? I deserve the best, and will therefore avoid posting anything that might serve me a less palatable future experience.

I see a lot of customized pages there, but haven't managed to figure that part of it out. I had enough of a time figuring out Facebook, and I haven't really got a good handle on that one either.

Twitter? Piece of cake. Worthless, but a piece of cake... a novelty, if you will. Kinda like one of those creepy mechanical monkeys that clang together those irritating brass cymbals.

BrightKite? A completely useless account... a glorified digital flare gun. Woo Hoo! Like I want folks to know where I'm at at any given hour of the day.

These new sites seem geared toward the dispensing of personal privacy. Why would anyone want to lose every shred of privacy they have by letting complete and total strangers into just about every intimate detail of your life? Seems to me that if you have any respect for yourself at all you'd jealously guard your reputation AND privacy both! But not the yoots of today.

Anyway, all this is a process of acclimation the station is putting us through. We are all being forced into the digital age whether we want it or not. I've been blogging for years so I'm not a stranger to that part of it. And as to that part, I intend to keep it separate from all the new accounts the station wants us to create. I'm not sure how, as a graphic artist for the station's website, or as a videographer for the Creative Services department, Twitter, MySpace, BrightKite, or even Facebook will serve the station. But I can see some need for being "in touch" with emerging technologies and trends. So I'll go along with their evil schemes to corner the local viewer/traffic market. Edging out the local paper and utterly destroying that other station.

It's all part of the ratings game.

* * *

I had another long and quite lovely lunch with the lovely LeNeé-- I even told my roommate about my new 'lunch buddy'. I did most of the talking, I believe. Man, but it just felt so nice being able to talk and express my thoughts without having to guard every word. It was quite freeing. I wasn't the least bit nervous. And she responded openly, even welcomingly. And I appreciate her all the more for it.

She asked a day or so prior if I'd be interested in seeing "New Moon" with her when it comes to the theaters. I told her I hadn't even seen "Twilight," at which she insisted I rent it. Well, I hate movie rentals so I did the next best thing, which was order it off Comcast OnDemand. For $2.99 I watched a film I had no real desire to see, while burning it to DVD for future consumption.

In fairness to those who like the movie, it was a pretty decent film as teenage angst/vampire films go, and I admit I enjoyed it. I wouldn't have spent the price of a movie ticket for it, let alone buy the DVD, but thanks to Comcast, and one cent short of three bucks, I achieved the same end. Not only that, having seen the first, I will also own up to a desire to see "New Moon".

Now here's the question:

Am I interested in seeing the film? Or am I interested in sitting in the dark, and sharing popcorn, with LeNeé?

There's time enough to figure that one out.

Tangentially to the first portion of this post, I came across LeNeé's MySpace page yesterday afternoon, and that more than the station's insistence, prompted me to create my own MySpace page much earlier than I otherwise would have. I also saw a pic of what I assume is the guy she's still sweet on, despite being broke-up. He's looks older than me, and is much more buff, which is saying a lot since I am not even remotely "buff."

And no, I did not send a request to be friends with her. I'm content to let nature take its course.

Speaking of which...

Did you read my previous post?

* * *

I mentioned earlier that I told Cristal about my "lunch buddy." Yes, I did. But I presented it in such a way as to NOT make it sound like I was trying to date LeNeé, which I am not-- it's important you know this. Just as important as it was to make sure Cristal knew this. She was a little jealous. And if I could tell she was a little J, it's pretty sure she was "a lot" J. She wanted to know why I never called her to meet me for lunch. What was I supposed to say?

Should I have told her that I always have to guard what I say for fear of angering her? That her personality is so strong and overpowering that mine is never allowed enough sunlight through the shade of her own limbs to allow me anything other than stunted personal and communicative growth? And this is the primary reason I asked LeNeé to lunch in the first place. I have to learn to socialize with other people... especially women. And, believe it or not, I even told LeNeé this during our first lunch. I wanted to make sure she understood I wasn't trying to hit on her, whatever my heart really desired. But, as I related in a recent poem: I know the difference between Intrigue and Infatuation.

I am intrigued. Nothing more.

For now.

e's wEekly brain dump

A number of things. First.

I went to see her this afternoon. I hadn't had a chance to speak with her [and that's a very particular distinction...'speak WITH her'... not 'TO her'] since our lunch last week. And what she was wearing... goodness! I tried very very very hard not to look at the swell of her small breasts [the kind I very much prefer] at the bottom of her plunging neckline. I worried so much over it I think I spent an inordinate amount of time looking her in the eye. And stammering. ...more than I am wont. She is so beautiful. But I remind myself, both then and now, I am not chasing her in that way. I have no right to considering my circumstances. What I am interested in is getting my feet wet-- and learning to interact with attractive women. It has been decades since I last attempted to schmooze my way into a fair lady's good graces.

And she's amenable. She interested in having lunch with me, perhaps a movie. But romance is off the table. I made sure of it at the outset.

I know, I know. Kick me! I deserve it.

But then again, she may not even be ready herself for the kind of advances the baser me would make. And I owe it to both myself and her to be a gentleman.

* * *

Last night, aching from every joint, muscle, and connective tissue, I still found it difficult to drop immediately off to sleep, which is unusual for me. I generally drop off before two songs have passed on whatever CD I set to play. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but since I was 16 I went to sleep with the radio on... and this was PRE-CD. Back then it was either the radio or the turn-table. And now, 36 years later, I find it more difficult to sleep without music than with. Anyway, in times like this I'll do one of three things. I'll practice a bit on the guitar, and let music (there it is again) easy whatever tensions I've built up during the day. Or I'll read a book. Usually I don't make it past one chapter, sometime no more than a page or two. Or, I'll dig out a notebook and pen and begin to write. What follows is what I did last night before starting up Gerry Rafferty's North and South...


Laying to Rest What Bears Repeating

Laying here
Body stretched naked and aching
Trying to slow the beat of my heart
Trying to chase a melody
To corners dark
Putting it to bed... Dirt to Dust
     Insistent beat to the slide of steel on steel
     To soft tapping like raindrops on the frets of my guitar
Putting her to bed
That I might do the same

My neck aches
Feet throb
It's hard to imagine I have reached that age
I feared at ten
     feared at twenty
     feared at thirty
     come to accept at forty-nine
I wish only to sleep
And sleep long
I wish only to dream
Close my eyes
Shut off thought
Sleep
Dream
Rinse
Repeat
And when I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
When I stop and I turn
And I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom
And... return to the end
Of another day
Body aching. Naked and stretched
Across the universe
Struggling to erase the pains
Of another day
Wishing only to close my eyes
Shut off thought
Chase sleep down long corridors
And dream...
Rinse and repeat
And like a glutton
Return for yet more

Rinse

Repeat


Rinse



Repeat

* * *

I'll note here that I am a Beatles fan, and so Helter Skelter slipped itself in as did Across the Universe. Also 'putting to bed' the melody refers to Richard Gilewitz's 7-minute acoustic masterpiece Dirt to Dust. I've been listening to it for the last several days... over and over and over again.

* * *

Lastly. Last night I finished my new banner... 'and everything e'. I chose words that have significance in my life.

• 2 Lines of lyrics from different songs
• Places I've lived
• Characters I've written
• Books I've read
• Subjects that interest me
• And, I believe, a number of things that speak to why I am who I am

It's a dark banner, but it has meaning. More on that later.

* * *

She and I will have lunch again next week. I'll struggle yet again to NOT think of her in romantic terms. I'll likely NOT struggle with sleep, but I'll write, I'll play. And I will sleep. And continue to make sense of where I am and who I've become.

And that concludes this weeks brain dump...

Ciao, for now.

I have to post the poem at my poetry page before crawling into bed.... still haven't decide what CD I'll set to spinning.