if ever i nEed a song to sing....

Not Another Minute (Without You)

Dear God
Where are you in my life?
Where am I? In the light?
Or deep in shadow? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
My heart is near to breaking
In the pains of my own making
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I can't take another minute without you

Dear God
Do you love me even still?
As when I was in your will?
Or was I ever? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
The emptiness is killing me
Like harps hung in the willow tree
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I won't last another moment without you

Touch me Lord
Fill me with your Holy Spirit
By the blood of your son,
Oh sweet Jesus, please be mine
Touch me Lord and let me know that I'm still loved
Wash me clean from all the sins I bear
Let me feel your presence everywhere
But especially, Lord, heal my soul

Dear God
Must I spend my lifetime weeping?
Pray my soul that you'll be keeping?
When my last breath is spent? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
I want to spend my whole life loving you
Free of guilt and shame~ just loving you
Touch me now, or when it pleases you
Restore my soul, I beg of you
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I can't take another minute...
No, not another minute without you


ELAshley
030512.031842.6

A song... in the vein of ...Roland Orzibal's Mad World ...dark and despairing. Or perhaps not so dark... something along the lines of Twila Paris or Michael W. Smith? I'm still working out the melody.


 

e's songs

I've been listening to The Flaming Lips lately; and this is important-- the album, I mean. It's the sound and feel. I began thinking about a story I'm writing and began to think about it in terms of musicality. So with Fight Test in my head, I quickly hammered out lyrics for my story-based, Flaming Lips inspired, song...

Where You’ve Gone

[1] What happens to the soul
As it moves through the door
Does it know where you’ve gone
Can it feel you anymore
‘Cause you’re here to stay
Until you find the way
Did you know where you were going
Before you stepped through the door

Can heaven find you should you die here?
Does it even know where you’ve gone?

[2] How does it feel to know
He can’t hear you where you are
You’re not merely lost in space
Nor circling a foreign star
If Universes were city blocks
Would you have considered their locks
Crossed the street without thought of a key
Would you have thought to bring a key
Before you stepped through the door

Can heaven find you should you die here?
Does it even know where you’ve gone?

[Bridge] How did it feel when the door closed
And you knew something important was gone
Did you ever think you could ever miss
What you casually took for granted

[3] If universes were city blocks
Would you have considered their locks
Crossed the street without thought of a key
Would you have thought to bring a key
Before you walked out the door

Can heaven find you should you die here?
Does it even know where you’ve gone?
Does it even know where you’ve gone?


ELAshley
113010.114316.1
Revisions:
120610.041450.6

Listening to The Flaming Lips’ Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, and considering my own novel in the works, it’s said that emulation is the greatest of flatteries.

So what do my lyrics mean? They're derived from some of the philosophical questions asked in the story I’m writing. I don’t have a melody as of this writing, so here’s hoping the music also flatters my aforementioned muses.

the wisdom of oscar wilde

...who, though the few quips below are indeed shaded in hues of wisdom, was not necessarily a wise man. [disclaimer]

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."

Muslims die for a lie each and every day.

"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."

No one is perfect, especially Christians. Sinners will never be perfect, nor forgiven.

"Self-denial is the shining sore on the leprous body of Christianity."

Christians don't follow Christianity. They follow a real and living person who can be known, loved, experienced, enthroned, and embodied... Much of what passes for Christianity is not Christianity. And, paraphrasing Mr. Wilde...

'a man is not necessarily Christian because he believes he is.'

better yet, don't tEach them to read

"You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them."

--Ray Bradbury

Isn't this where we already are? Government education is less about teaching than it is about indoctrination. Public education graduates more ignorants today than ... pick your own metaphor.

Here's another great quote:

"Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools."

The Apostle Paul, Romans 1:22

Don't know that book? You've proved my point...

"Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened."

where E is today

Dear Mary Angel

I'm tired of just about everything. I can understand Luke 21:26 though it doesn't apply to the present; there is still a great deal of fear in the world today. I spend too much time worrying about the direction of this country than I do the direction of men's souls. I place too much value in the intransigencies of life than I do in life itself. How has this happened?

All I want is to be all that God made me to be, and to be loved by someone God would approve of. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I'm so tired and distracted I haven't been able to focus on work for a week now. There have been no looming deadlines, and those making their approach are nothing to worry over, nevertheless I can't focus on the tasks before me; they pale in comparison to the crisis currently facing me-- my own personal midlife crisis. And I have no one to share it with it.

What will that shore look like when I get to the other side of this? I think that answer worries more than anything else. This world is going to shit in a ziplock, And yes, that worries me, but I'm worried more about where I fit in all this. God doesn't make anything without specific purpose. Each of us have specific purpose, something we are meant to do. How many of us ever discover that purpose? I want to know my reason for being. He's given me so many talents... so many... but I've never known what to do with them, let alone use them for His glory. I wish I had done things differently when I was 17, 18, 20, 23. I wish I weren't the kind of person I was then. But I did meet you, didn't I? A blessing in every brier patch? And what's the point of having a midlife crisis if you don't even have cash enough for a motorcycle?

Something I've considered lately. We are all stimulus junkies; we are sensory beings owing our daily perceptions to the things we see, hear, taste, yada... and it is through these stimulus-imprinted perceptions we categorize it all: good days, bad days, and everything in between. And that's all a motorcycle would be, something mostly in between. I'm tired of being 'in between.' I just want to know who I am in Him.

There's a song getting some air on the radio where I'm at, something about ten-thousand fireflies? Well, the song is silly, but the last line speaks to where I am:

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

And my dilemma? Not enough net in which to catch them all.


Thank you for listening,

All my love,


Eric

day one

2009 had been perhaps the most depressing year of my life. I hope to change that this year. My game plan is still a bit undefined at present, but at least it's something I'm actively dwelling on. A few goals for this year:

• Move out into my own place
• Find someone with whom I can spend next Christmas & New Years Eve
• Care more about myself by getting into shape

That's enough to keep me busy without becoming overwhelmed. They're ambitious financial goals, all three. There's lots to do and only so much cash each payday to do it with, but I am determined to see it through.

As to the first, I worry that with my poor credit rating I won't be able to find a decent apartment to rent. I also worry about the start-up costs of actually moving in: deposit, first month's rent, dog deposit, electric deposit. Then there are the other costs, mostly for peace of mind, such as an emergency fund of at least five-hundred, a washer and dryer, and enough cash to move into a new place should such a move become necessary-- always have an exit strategy.

Though not on the list, reliable transportation is part and parcel with moving out. I have to be able to see to my transportation needs when the car must stay in the shop. I'd like a new vehicle, but short of a three to four thousand dollar annual increase, that's not going to happen anytime soon. And, of course, there's the question of my poor credit rating.

Part two on my list of things to do this year can only begin, let alone be accomplished, upon completion of the first. I cannot expect any woman to accept me while still living where I am. It is undeniably true that my present "living arrangement" has own her room and her own bed, and I never see anything intimate in the relationship, but I can't expect any woman to believe it. Besides which, the woman I AM interested in... well, I've already told her I couldn't be anything more than a friend until such a time as I am living on my own. And this is a difficult woman to pin down on anything.

I admitted some time ago that I have a tendency to chase women who are emotionally unavailable, and this woman of whom I speak is just such a one. She too is in a similar spot as I am, pining for a man who's just not into her... kinda like where I am right now, though I'm not pining; I've given up, in fact. Given up trying to love someone who has no desire to ever make an honest man of me. She wants to be affectionate but I'm lost all interest in kisses and such. I'd rather they came from someone else; someone who can look at me and see someone worth drawing INTO her arms, not holding me at arms length.

Lastly, there's caring more about myself. This will involve aspects of spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. I have neglected myself in all three areas for far too long. I weigh 260 now, and need to drop to 200, minimum. I need to draw closer to the Lord, and I need to believe in myself far more than I ever have before.

I've also noticed some changes in my body's function that needs acute attention. I am not one to seek medical attention, so I will first attempt the avenues I preach to everyone else and seek natural holistic approaches to a short list of problems. I will see a doctor this summer for a prostate exam, but that will be the extent of it. On the off chance cancer should be found I will NOT take chemo or radiation treatments. I will do what many others have done to combat the problem... and I will live. Also along this line, I'm making a list of books I'll need... a tidy stack of them.

And there it is. Not resolutions so much as a short list of resolves.

Finally, at some point, I have to ascertain whether what I'm feeling toward a certain someone is genuine or not, and whether she reciprocates. Or not.

science versus God

"LET ME EXPLAIN THE problem science has with Jesus Christ." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand. "You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"
"Yes, sir."
"So you believe in God?"
"Absolutely."
"Is God good?"
"Sure! God's good."
"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"
"Yes."
"Are you good or evil?"
"The Bible says I'm evil."
The professor grins knowingly. "Ahh! THE BIBLE!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help them? Would you try?"
"Yes sir, I would."
"So you're good...!"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Why not say that? You would help a sick and maimed person if you could...in fact most of us would if we could....God doesn't."
[No answer]
"He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"
[No answer]
The elderly man is sympathetic. "No, you can't, can you?" He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. "In philosophy, you have to go easy with the new ones. Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"
"Er... Yes."
"Is Satan good?"
"No."
"Where does Satan come from?"
The student falters. "From... God..."
"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he?" The elderly man runs his bony fingers through his thinning hair and turns to the smirking student audience. "I think we're going to have a lot of fun this semester, ladies and gentlemen." He turns back to the Christian. "Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"
"Yes, sir."
"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? Did God make everything?"
"Yes."
"Who created evil?"
[No answer]
"Is there sickness in this world? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness. All the terrible things - do they exist in this world? "
The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."
"Who created them?"
[No answer]
The professor suddenly shouts at his student, "WHO CREATED THEM? TELL ME, PLEASE!" The professor closes in for the kill and climbs into the Christian's face. In a still small voice, he asked, "God created all evil, didn't He, son?"
[No answer]
The student tries to hold the steady, experienced gaze and fails. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace the front of the classroom like an aging panther. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues, "How is it that this God is good if He created all evil throughout all time?" The professor swishes his arms around to encompass the wickedness of the world. "All the hatred, the brutality, all the pain, all the torture, all the death and ugliness and all the suffering created by this good God is all over the world, isn't it, young man?"
[No answer]
"Don't you see it all over the place? Huh?" Pause. "Don't you?" The professor leans into the student's face again and whispers, "Is God good?"
[No answer]
"Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"
The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor. I do."
The old man shakes his head sadly. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"
"No, sir. I've never seen Him."
"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"
"No, sir. I have not."
"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus... in fact, do you have any sensory perception of your God whatsoever?"
[No answer]
"Answer me, please."
"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."
"You're AFRAID... you haven't?"
"No, sir."
"Yet you still believe in him?"
"...yes..."
"That takes FAITH!" The professor smiles sagely at the underling. "According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Where is your God now?"
[The student doesn't answer]
"Sit down, please."
The first Christian sits...defeated.
Another Christian raises his hand. "Professor, may I address the class?"
The professor turns and smiles. "Ah, yet another Christian in the vanguard! Come, come, young man. Speak some proper wisdom to the gathering."
The Christian looks around the room. "Some interesting points you are making, sir. Now I've got a question for you. Is there such thing as heat?"
"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."
"Is there such a thing as cold?"
"Yes, son, there's cold too."
"No, sir, there isn't."
The professor's grin freezes. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The second Christian continues.
"You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit 273 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be able to go colder than -273°C. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."
Silence. A pin drops somewhere in the classroom.
"Is there such a thing as darkness, professor?"
"That's a dumb question, son. What is night if it isn't darkness? What are you getting at...?"
"So you say there is such a thing as darkness?"
"Yes..."
"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something, it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light... but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, Darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker and give me a jar of it. Can you... give me a jar of darker darkness, professor?"
Despite himself, the professor smiles at the young effrontery before him. This will indeed be a good semester. "Would you mind telling us what your point is, young man?"
"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with and so your conclusion must be in error...."
The professor goes toxic. "Flawed...? How dare you...!"
"Sir, may I explain what I mean?"
The class is all ears.
"Explain... ohhhhh, explain..." The professor makes an admirable effort to regain control. Suddenly he is affability himself. He waves his hand to silence the class, for the student to continue.
"You are working on the premise of duality," the Christian explains. "That for example there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science cannot even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism but has never seen, much less fully understood them. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, merely the absence of it." The young man holds up a newspaper he takes from the desk of a neighbor who has been reading it. "Here is one of the most disgusting tabloids this country hosts, professor. Is there such a thing as immorality?"
"Of course there is, now look..."
"Wrong again, sir. You see, immorality is merely the absence of morality. Is there such thing as injustice? No. Injustice is the absence of justice. Is there such a thing as evil?" The Christian pauses. "Isn't evil the absence of good?"
The professor's face has turned an alarming color. He is so angry he is temporarily speechless.
The Christian continues, "If there is evil in the world, professor, and we all agree there is, then God, if He exists, must be accomplishing a work through the agency of evil.1 What is that work God is accomplishing? The Bible tells us it is to see if each one of us will, of our own free will, choose good over evil."2
The professor bridles. "As a philosophical scientist, I don't view this matter as having anything to do with any choice; as a realist, I absolutely do not recognize the concept of God or any other theological factor as being part of the world equation because God is not observable."
The Christian replies, "I would have thought that the absence of God's moral code in this world is probably one of the most observable phenomena going, Newspapers make billions of dollars reporting it every week! Tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"
"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."
"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"
The professor makes a sucking sound with his teeth and gives his student a silent, stony stare.
"Professor. Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"
"I'll overlook your impudence in the light of our philosophical discussion. Now, have you quite finished?" the professor hisses.
"So you don't accept God's moral code to do what is righteous?"
"I believe in what is - that's science!"
"Ahh! SCIENCE!" the student's face splits into a grin. "Sir, you rightly state that science is the study of observed phenomena. Science too is a premise which is flawed..."
"SCIENCE IS FLAWED..?" the professor sputters.
The class is in uproar. The Christian remains standing until the commotion has subsided. "To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, may I give you an example of what I mean?"
The professor wisely keeps silent.
The Christian looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's mind?" The class breaks out into laughter. The Christian points towards his elderly, crumbling tutor. "Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's mind... felt the professor's mind, touched or smelt the professor's mind? No one appears to have done so." The Christian shakes his head sadly. "It appears no one here has had any sensory perception of the professor's mind whatsoever. Well, according to the rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science, I DECLARE that the professor has no mind."
The class is in chaos.
The Christian sits.

* * *

If you didn't get it, here is a brief synopsis. The atheist argument is that since God created everything, He is responsible for the creation of evil. However, "evil" is a word that we use to describe certain things that happen to us (most of which are caused by other people). In reality, it is not a physically created thing at all and, therefore, does not fall within the realm of something created by God. So, the argument is fundamentally flawed. Evil is allowed by God so that free will beings can choose between good (i.e., God) or evil (absence of God). Without evil, it is not possible to choose between good and evil, and the universe would have no ultimate purpose.

e's wEekly brain dump

I never would have bothered otherwise, because I am loathe to like or appreciate anything Oprah Winfrey promotes-- this has nothing to do with skin color --but it was on the Disney Channel this morning and I had nothing else to do, so I watched Akeelah and the Bee. Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett? amazing actors both, so I was sure I could get something out of it. And that I did.

In my previous post I spoke of fear... of moving on... of fleeing in spite of the guns that awaited. Fear will keep a man in a situation he would otherwise flee the moment his situation is truly grasped. I know fear. So did Akeelah. And her instructor, Mr. Fishburne, told her to read a quote that was framed upon the wall of his office...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

--Marianne Williamson

I can find nothing wrong with this statement, but I can find something to add.

Like the three servants, each given differing amounts of talents by their master, we are charged to use what we are given to not only enrich the Lord who bestowed to us our talents, and to demonstrate our faithfulness to his command, but to also show his glory through the gifts he has given that others might be drawn to him. We can choose to bury our talents, but then our Lord is not enriched, we are become unfaithful, and our light does not shine.

Were we all given candles and we chose not to light them, what light then would shine to draw others to shelter? God gives us our gifts for a reason. To not light that candle, is to tell God he is wrong about you... that you couldn't possibly do what he already knows you can. It is fear that keeps the candle unlit, that buries our talents that none can be thereby edified. We fear the kind of success HE asks of us.

* * *

I have come to realize that as much as you might want something, that something may not want you. Sometimes you have to let it go, and set your sights on something else. Only pain can result from chasing what does not wish to be caught.

riding thE elephant

I spent five hours at the National Peanut Festival last night manning the station's tent, in the company of three folks who were veritable strangers. They are no longer strangers but that hardly means we are now friends. I learned some things about them, shared some things about me-- all that remains is for the fallout to occur. There is always fallout in opening up oneself to people you don't know well enough to trust.

It was another lesson in becoming someone new. But then, that's not exactly right. People never change... Ever... unless God does it; and even then, that old person isn't really gone. They're just covered with someone else's clothes... someone else's righteousness, but your old self can still wreak havoc in the lives of others and in your own. Someone has given you a new shirt, yes, but the skin beneath it is still the same... get it?

I met a soldier last night whose unit was the one that took out Uday and Qusay... Saddam's sons. He was wanting advice on getting into journalism-- he was getting ready to retrain for journalism within the US Army. I told him when he left the military to make sure he knew how to shoot and edit, maintain a decent demo, and apply at a smaller station to get some experience. It struck me how meek he appeared. Not that he looked weak or beaten, but rather he looked... unfulfilled, or perhaps in desperate need of a change. Life can do that. And I should know.

It's been a long time coming but I've reached a tipping point. And it is undeniably, unequivocally, a tipping point... a crux, if you will. I've felt a change coming for the last few years, and even more these last few months and weeks. But in just a matter of days I've come to realize the futility of hanging on to the relationship I've been "hanging on" to for the last 21 years.

Do I love her? Undeniably. Does she love me? I believe she does. But she will never marry me. And each and every day that passes only serves to reinforce the understanding that the misery I feel now being NOT married to her, would only multiply several-fold should we marry. I love her but I am miserable. She loves me but she is miserable.

I used to think that I could accept her unconditionally; love her in spite of the character flaws, and idiosyncrasies that totally turn me off. I used to think it was the lack of sex that kept me from being happily in love with her. But sex, I've come to realize, has nothing to do with whether or not I am happy in my relationship, such as it is. I don't feel valued. She speaks about me in my presence as though I were not in the room; as though she were speaking about me to someone else. She repeatedly speaks about the kind of man she needs, in front of me, as though I don't already provide those things she thinks she needs. But this last week she has, deliberately or unintentionally, sabotaged my efforts to leave this relationship. And I don't know whether to be furious or depressed.

Actually, I'm both.


Next to our tent at the festival, was an animal tent... dog shows, camels, and elephants to ride-- in a ring no more than 30 feet in diameter. I saw kids and their parents climbing a mounting ladder to settle themselves into a special saddle upon the elephant's back, and I suddenly felt sorry for the elephant. Is the elephant happy with its lot? What does a happy elephant look like? Is it content to ferry kicking screaming children around in a tight circle hour after hour?

People... humans... think themselves so superior, but what makes them think such? Because they can leash a wild animal and force it to the indignities of servitude? How often do we hear of elephants "going rogue" at a circus? escaping the tents and rampaging through the city streets before some police officers have to finally kill it? Often enough that the image is easily conjured in our minds. Were those elephants happy? What was the final indignity that broke the proverbial camel's back?

I ask myself these kind of questions often enough that they are easily brought forward, and today, typed out here. And I wonder if there's a parallel to be found between that poor beast at the Fair and my own situation.

I have gotten so used to the chain around my foot that I haven't even bothered to try to escape. Fear of being alone has kept me from even trying to break that chain. Instead, I have allowed myself to suffer the indignity of a relationship that doesn't even pretend to nurture the man God created in me. Sure, I'm allowed out in the sunshine and fresh air... physical needs. But what of the need to be happy? to roam free? even as a monogamous husband a man still needs freedom to be what God has created him to be... without chains, without denial. No! It's not about sex, or the lack thereof, it's about the value another person places in me.


So. I've been saving money to move out. Out of fear or an act of sabotage the would-be missus deliberately short-changing the household's needs, tucks a sum of money away somewhere in her room (yes, we sleep in separate rooms), and forgets where she's hid it.

Fast-forward three days: She needs an emergency dentist visit to the tune of $150, demolishing all the cash we had to get to next payday. I knew I was going to have to dip into mine just to get us there, but I didn't expect what would happen next.

Rewind a month back. She was to pay both of our insurances on X, but come Y she still hadn't paid it... she was too tired to deal with driving "all the way across town". Now comes Z, and with both of us in the car, me driving without my seat belt on, I get pulled over. Long story short, a ten dollar ticket for not wearing my seat belt, and a three-hundred fifty dollar mandatory court appearance for not having proof of insurance. And she STILL can't find the money she lost. And she needs this, and that, and we both need this. And now this morning my car won't start. The engine turns over, but it won't catch. Yeah, I know what the problem is, and I know what the problem REALLY is... that I can't possibly get the car fixed AND pay the court fines, AND put money aside to escape my 30 ft diameter circle. Things will continue on as they have... the only sunshine I'll get is when I'm trotted out, saddle on my back, to be ridden and kicked by screaming selfish brats, and their clueless parents.

Knowing this then, I have a decision to make. Do I allow myself to continue docilely accepting my lot in life? Or do I break free and run, even though the guns await me in the end?

Am I afraid? I most certainly am. But what other choice do I have? Because continuing to wear that saddle is no choice at all. I was meant for broad savannas and cool wide rivers. I was meant to spend my life with someone who gets me and accepts me as I am rather than with someone who only desires to saddle me and heap indignities upon me. I am ready to be loved. I am ready to belong to someone. But I am tired of being the object to which a child points and shouts, "I want to ride the elephant!"

I don't feel right about posting this. But I'm going to do it anyway. I don't view it as a pathetic bemoaning for attention or sympathy. I'm choosing to view this as bravery because how many other people out there feel the same way but are likewise afraid to break their chains and flee, guns be damned? To those who feel the same as I, don't wait as long as I have to run.

What good is a dog if its never allowed to run? Why is it we always feel the need to leash those things we desire to call our own? I have no desire to leash ANY woman who chooses to love me-- that's right, chooses. I desire only to love and be loved, and to trust implicitly... knowing and accepting that trust is often broken. But with freedom to love and be loved, comes the understanding that trust IS broken. You must be able to acknowledge and accept that truth to truly be free... KNOW your trust will on occasion be broken, and ACCEPT that you will forgive them. For no one is perfect. For if God can forgive them, can I do no less?

I'm in a right tight financial pickle at the moment. I know it will not last long. I know I will be on my own by next summer's end-- hopefully sooner. I know a good many things, but what I don't know is if someone will ever love me the way I desire to be loved. For that, I place my trust and faith in God, who alone is perfect, and will in His own time lead me to green pastures... beside still waters... who will bless me with more than my cup could ever contain, more than my table could ever support, more than my heart could ever fathom. I will not be that elephant. I will no longer allow myself to be so ridden again.

10 space-time dimensions

Did you know that our universe began with 10 space-time dimensions? Yet we can only access four—length, width, height, and time. The Creator of all these dimensions must exist in the equivalent of 11 or more. So, what’s impossible in 4 dimensions—like listening to billions of prayers at once—is no problem for God.

Read: Beyond the Cosmos by Dr. Hugh Ross for more intriguing insights into multidimensionality.

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