riding thE elephant

I spent five hours at the National Peanut Festival last night manning the station's tent, in the company of three folks who were veritable strangers. They are no longer strangers but that hardly means we are now friends. I learned some things about them, shared some things about me-- all that remains is for the fallout to occur. There is always fallout in opening up oneself to people you don't know well enough to trust.

It was another lesson in becoming someone new. But then, that's not exactly right. People never change... Ever... unless God does it; and even then, that old person isn't really gone. They're just covered with someone else's clothes... someone else's righteousness, but your old self can still wreak havoc in the lives of others and in your own. Someone has given you a new shirt, yes, but the skin beneath it is still the same... get it?

I met a soldier last night whose unit was the one that took out Uday and Qusay... Saddam's sons. He was wanting advice on getting into journalism-- he was getting ready to retrain for journalism within the US Army. I told him when he left the military to make sure he knew how to shoot and edit, maintain a decent demo, and apply at a smaller station to get some experience. It struck me how meek he appeared. Not that he looked weak or beaten, but rather he looked... unfulfilled, or perhaps in desperate need of a change. Life can do that. And I should know.

It's been a long time coming but I've reached a tipping point. And it is undeniably, unequivocally, a tipping point... a crux, if you will. I've felt a change coming for the last few years, and even more these last few months and weeks. But in just a matter of days I've come to realize the futility of hanging on to the relationship I've been "hanging on" to for the last 21 years.

Do I love her? Undeniably. Does she love me? I believe she does. But she will never marry me. And each and every day that passes only serves to reinforce the understanding that the misery I feel now being NOT married to her, would only multiply several-fold should we marry. I love her but I am miserable. She loves me but she is miserable.

I used to think that I could accept her unconditionally; love her in spite of the character flaws, and idiosyncrasies that totally turn me off. I used to think it was the lack of sex that kept me from being happily in love with her. But sex, I've come to realize, has nothing to do with whether or not I am happy in my relationship, such as it is. I don't feel valued. She speaks about me in my presence as though I were not in the room; as though she were speaking about me to someone else. She repeatedly speaks about the kind of man she needs, in front of me, as though I don't already provide those things she thinks she needs. But this last week she has, deliberately or unintentionally, sabotaged my efforts to leave this relationship. And I don't know whether to be furious or depressed.

Actually, I'm both.


Next to our tent at the festival, was an animal tent... dog shows, camels, and elephants to ride-- in a ring no more than 30 feet in diameter. I saw kids and their parents climbing a mounting ladder to settle themselves into a special saddle upon the elephant's back, and I suddenly felt sorry for the elephant. Is the elephant happy with its lot? What does a happy elephant look like? Is it content to ferry kicking screaming children around in a tight circle hour after hour?

People... humans... think themselves so superior, but what makes them think such? Because they can leash a wild animal and force it to the indignities of servitude? How often do we hear of elephants "going rogue" at a circus? escaping the tents and rampaging through the city streets before some police officers have to finally kill it? Often enough that the image is easily conjured in our minds. Were those elephants happy? What was the final indignity that broke the proverbial camel's back?

I ask myself these kind of questions often enough that they are easily brought forward, and today, typed out here. And I wonder if there's a parallel to be found between that poor beast at the Fair and my own situation.

I have gotten so used to the chain around my foot that I haven't even bothered to try to escape. Fear of being alone has kept me from even trying to break that chain. Instead, I have allowed myself to suffer the indignity of a relationship that doesn't even pretend to nurture the man God created in me. Sure, I'm allowed out in the sunshine and fresh air... physical needs. But what of the need to be happy? to roam free? even as a monogamous husband a man still needs freedom to be what God has created him to be... without chains, without denial. No! It's not about sex, or the lack thereof, it's about the value another person places in me.


So. I've been saving money to move out. Out of fear or an act of sabotage the would-be missus deliberately short-changing the household's needs, tucks a sum of money away somewhere in her room (yes, we sleep in separate rooms), and forgets where she's hid it.

Fast-forward three days: She needs an emergency dentist visit to the tune of $150, demolishing all the cash we had to get to next payday. I knew I was going to have to dip into mine just to get us there, but I didn't expect what would happen next.

Rewind a month back. She was to pay both of our insurances on X, but come Y she still hadn't paid it... she was too tired to deal with driving "all the way across town". Now comes Z, and with both of us in the car, me driving without my seat belt on, I get pulled over. Long story short, a ten dollar ticket for not wearing my seat belt, and a three-hundred fifty dollar mandatory court appearance for not having proof of insurance. And she STILL can't find the money she lost. And she needs this, and that, and we both need this. And now this morning my car won't start. The engine turns over, but it won't catch. Yeah, I know what the problem is, and I know what the problem REALLY is... that I can't possibly get the car fixed AND pay the court fines, AND put money aside to escape my 30 ft diameter circle. Things will continue on as they have... the only sunshine I'll get is when I'm trotted out, saddle on my back, to be ridden and kicked by screaming selfish brats, and their clueless parents.

Knowing this then, I have a decision to make. Do I allow myself to continue docilely accepting my lot in life? Or do I break free and run, even though the guns await me in the end?

Am I afraid? I most certainly am. But what other choice do I have? Because continuing to wear that saddle is no choice at all. I was meant for broad savannas and cool wide rivers. I was meant to spend my life with someone who gets me and accepts me as I am rather than with someone who only desires to saddle me and heap indignities upon me. I am ready to be loved. I am ready to belong to someone. But I am tired of being the object to which a child points and shouts, "I want to ride the elephant!"

I don't feel right about posting this. But I'm going to do it anyway. I don't view it as a pathetic bemoaning for attention or sympathy. I'm choosing to view this as bravery because how many other people out there feel the same way but are likewise afraid to break their chains and flee, guns be damned? To those who feel the same as I, don't wait as long as I have to run.

What good is a dog if its never allowed to run? Why is it we always feel the need to leash those things we desire to call our own? I have no desire to leash ANY woman who chooses to love me-- that's right, chooses. I desire only to love and be loved, and to trust implicitly... knowing and accepting that trust is often broken. But with freedom to love and be loved, comes the understanding that trust IS broken. You must be able to acknowledge and accept that truth to truly be free... KNOW your trust will on occasion be broken, and ACCEPT that you will forgive them. For no one is perfect. For if God can forgive them, can I do no less?

I'm in a right tight financial pickle at the moment. I know it will not last long. I know I will be on my own by next summer's end-- hopefully sooner. I know a good many things, but what I don't know is if someone will ever love me the way I desire to be loved. For that, I place my trust and faith in God, who alone is perfect, and will in His own time lead me to green pastures... beside still waters... who will bless me with more than my cup could ever contain, more than my table could ever support, more than my heart could ever fathom. I will not be that elephant. I will no longer allow myself to be so ridden again.