e's wEekly brain dump

A number of things. First.

I went to see her this afternoon. I hadn't had a chance to speak with her [and that's a very particular distinction...'speak WITH her'... not 'TO her'] since our lunch last week. And what she was wearing... goodness! I tried very very very hard not to look at the swell of her small breasts [the kind I very much prefer] at the bottom of her plunging neckline. I worried so much over it I think I spent an inordinate amount of time looking her in the eye. And stammering. ...more than I am wont. She is so beautiful. But I remind myself, both then and now, I am not chasing her in that way. I have no right to considering my circumstances. What I am interested in is getting my feet wet-- and learning to interact with attractive women. It has been decades since I last attempted to schmooze my way into a fair lady's good graces.

And she's amenable. She interested in having lunch with me, perhaps a movie. But romance is off the table. I made sure of it at the outset.

I know, I know. Kick me! I deserve it.

But then again, she may not even be ready herself for the kind of advances the baser me would make. And I owe it to both myself and her to be a gentleman.

* * *

Last night, aching from every joint, muscle, and connective tissue, I still found it difficult to drop immediately off to sleep, which is unusual for me. I generally drop off before two songs have passed on whatever CD I set to play. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but since I was 16 I went to sleep with the radio on... and this was PRE-CD. Back then it was either the radio or the turn-table. And now, 36 years later, I find it more difficult to sleep without music than with. Anyway, in times like this I'll do one of three things. I'll practice a bit on the guitar, and let music (there it is again) easy whatever tensions I've built up during the day. Or I'll read a book. Usually I don't make it past one chapter, sometime no more than a page or two. Or, I'll dig out a notebook and pen and begin to write. What follows is what I did last night before starting up Gerry Rafferty's North and South...


Laying to Rest What Bears Repeating

Laying here
Body stretched naked and aching
Trying to slow the beat of my heart
Trying to chase a melody
To corners dark
Putting it to bed... Dirt to Dust
     Insistent beat to the slide of steel on steel
     To soft tapping like raindrops on the frets of my guitar
Putting her to bed
That I might do the same

My neck aches
Feet throb
It's hard to imagine I have reached that age
I feared at ten
     feared at twenty
     feared at thirty
     come to accept at forty-nine
I wish only to sleep
And sleep long
I wish only to dream
Close my eyes
Shut off thought
Sleep
Dream
Rinse
Repeat
And when I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
When I stop and I turn
And I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom
And... return to the end
Of another day
Body aching. Naked and stretched
Across the universe
Struggling to erase the pains
Of another day
Wishing only to close my eyes
Shut off thought
Chase sleep down long corridors
And dream...
Rinse and repeat
And like a glutton
Return for yet more

Rinse

Repeat


Rinse



Repeat

* * *

I'll note here that I am a Beatles fan, and so Helter Skelter slipped itself in as did Across the Universe. Also 'putting to bed' the melody refers to Richard Gilewitz's 7-minute acoustic masterpiece Dirt to Dust. I've been listening to it for the last several days... over and over and over again.

* * *

Lastly. Last night I finished my new banner... 'and everything e'. I chose words that have significance in my life.

• 2 Lines of lyrics from different songs
• Places I've lived
• Characters I've written
• Books I've read
• Subjects that interest me
• And, I believe, a number of things that speak to why I am who I am

It's a dark banner, but it has meaning. More on that later.

* * *

She and I will have lunch again next week. I'll struggle yet again to NOT think of her in romantic terms. I'll likely NOT struggle with sleep, but I'll write, I'll play. And I will sleep. And continue to make sense of where I am and who I've become.

And that concludes this weeks brain dump...

Ciao, for now.

I have to post the poem at my poetry page before crawling into bed.... still haven't decide what CD I'll set to spinning.