And now, the re-visitation...
EVERYONE is born in sin. Sin being evil, everyone is inherently evil... that is to say, everyone has that "Seed of Propensity" planted in the soil of his heart. But to clarify "evil" : Killing unborn children is evil. Murdering 6 million Jews is evil, but so is lying. So is petty theft. So is selfishness. ALL sin is evil in God's eyes, which is why God felt it necessary to take on mortal flesh and perform what no human could...Tendencies for good do lie in every human heart, but so too are tendencies for evil.
An old Indian warrior once related to a prairie preacher that inside him lived two dogs constantly at war with each other; one was light, the other dark. Curious, the preacher asked which one was winning. The old man replied, "The one I feed the most."
The same is true of us. We may be good at heart, by man's standard... we may feed, in the sight of men, the dog which represents our tendencies for good. But the other dog is still there, unvanquished.Until Christ returns and redeems our bodies we will live in a perpetual state of war with the other dog.
* * *
I am still plagued by a deep depression. All of it stems from loneliness-- but then, that's not exactly right... Loneliness is an effect, not a cause. Searching deeper, the cause could be said to be a series of extremely poor decisions some 22 years ago-- but then those poor decisions could also be said to be the effects of loneliness as well. But then, that loneliness I felt 22 years ago likewise had a cause which might very well be due to a lack of confidence which stemmed from another bout of loneliness which coaxed me to seek the approval of others and attach my sense of self-worth to said approval. But then that again could be attributed to loneliness which resulted from the shame, and resultant loneliness I felt, because I stuttered as a boy... the truth of which was a constant source of mocking... which shut me down... which isolated me... which made me fearful... of making friends, of having girlfriends... and so, forty-three years after my first encounter with such mocking, and its resultant isolation-- my own personal gulag --I am right back where I started this thought. I am still plagued by a deep depression.
I have been here, in terms of locale, because of a series of very bad choices. First, I chose a quick fuck over the girl I really cared for, but was too afraid to tell her. I chose the girl who told me in no uncertain terms what she wanted. Second, I allowed this girl to move in and guide and control my every move. Third, I chose this girl over my family and ended up in a city eighty miles away. And I have been a stranger to my own family ever since.
The girl for which I abandoned my family and home, abandoned me a short three weeks after dragging me to this strange new town. So I learned my lesson. And I've been paying for it these last twenty-two years.
My problem is this: I chase after women who are emotionally unavailable. Of the three women who actively chased me, I ran from them all, but of the women I chose to chase, I have been left wanting each and every time. Had I allowed myself to be caught by any one of my three pursuers I'd not be where I am, emotionally of physically. And so I am depressed. And quite naturally so.
Because here I am again. And I have decisions to make; the most important of which is already made. But once I am free, what then? More loneliness? More depression? More feelings of inadequacy?
I must remember that there are two dogs warring within me. One is Love, the other is Hate. One Light, the other Darkness. I choose to feed the Light, and Love. But I also know how difficult it is to change those patterns that have shaped and guided us to this point.
* * *
In one of my many letters over the years to Mary Angel, there is one that still stands out, front and center, as the object of all my motivation. I cannot have Mary Angel, but I can have what God has prepared for me. I have undoubtedly missed that perfect someone He had in store, but I cannot think that He didn't already know I would make all the wrong decisions and so would have someone else reserved in contingency. So it is for her I write. Every letter. Every letter addressed to Mary Angel; every thought, wish, desire. Every story. Every poem... everything I have written is for that someone who God has given me. That I have yet to meet.
I am tired, I tell you. Tired. Depressed... tired of waiting. I've made my decision. Now it's time to begin implementation. It is time to be in a place where I can receive her fairly and honestly, without reservation, holding nothing back.
I am tired, but I'm also ready.
* * *
Because I am so tired, this poem stands out as a forward-looking question to her... whoever and wherever she is.
One-Hundred Years Entwining
Will I sleep one hundred years,
My first night ‘neath your summer eaves?
Will I cry, shed one hundred tears,
My sorrows clatter like autumn leaves?
Away from me ~ forever away
Your lips brushing my tears away
Fall into slumber, the sleep of peace
As in your arms I lay
Will I dream while embraced in you,
Coupled neath linens clean and new?
Wakened to find my dreams come true,
And lost within your eyes of blue
Sing to me a familiar song
Lips brush mine ~ our breath a song
Like the gentle sursurring sea
Rock me soft the whole night long
One hundred years may each night seem
Forever may each day so be
And parting, but a shadowy dream
That has no life in the love we see
Smiling true in eyes bright and shining
Lips caressing ~ wet, soft, and shining
Shuddering, and rising again to fall
Held in your embrace entwining
Will I sleep one hundred years?
Hands brush all my cares away?
Sorrow erased and gone my fears?
In your arms, and in peace lay?
Time and love will tell
Time and love will tell
ELAshley
18 March 2002, 1:10am
Revised:
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