e's wEekly brain dump

It's been an interesting week... really.

• New Internet Sales boss
• My job is changing. Everything's in limbo
• Pursuant to previous: More responsibility. More learning. Potential for more money
• Lunch buddy asked me to join her at the station's tent at the Peanut Festival
• MONSTER headache this weekend... even as I write this
• Epiphany of sorts regarding the world today
  

I learned rather early in the week that my job is changing and I had to make a decision as to whether I wanted to ride the wave or stay on shore. The station wants someone to become their Web Guru... an veritable internet Jedi... and they're asking me. It'll be a lot more work without any initial pay increase-- which is par for the course, but in the long run it'll set me up for a potentially very large return. I am in a very enviable position.

I now have to immerse myself into WorldNow, a video editor/client program I've never gone into more than waist deep. I'm already conversant with Clickability so there's no big deal there, but now I have to add Adobe Flash to the mix, a program I know almost nothing about-- Hey, I've never had to use it! In addition I'll be using Dream Weaver more than I already do... again not a big deal. And I'll be using a lot more HTML (the new Internet Sales manager tells me I won't need CSS at all, that the use of CSS is passe, and on its way out. I thoroughly disagree, but in terms of my new duties [of which I'm still in the dark] I'll not need it. Doesn't mean I'm going to just toss it out the window. I'm going to master CSS if it kills me).

From what I understand, I'll be shooting video and placing it on the station's website. This doesn't impress me as a very big deal except that I've never soloed on a video shoot; my training in that has been deliberately slow. So I expect my training there will intensify.

And just where all the landmarks/mines are, I cannot even hazard a guess. You see, I'm the kind of person that likes to know where everyone stands: what are their duties, to whom do I answer (since technically I'm in two departments), in what situation. I don't like "on the job" surprises. Knowing the lay of the land is the first step toward victory, barring the ability to choose your own ground. And right now, where I marshal my forces... from what position I engage... is not my decision. Someone else is choosing the ground for me. Not an enviable position to be in, I assure you. Over all, however, this is an opportunity that I would be a fool not to take.

I don't like change; Change is unpredictable, no matter how much information one possesses-- something can always go wrong. And yet Change is the only real constant there is outside of God himself.

That has been my life for much of this week-- Flux.

* * *

I shared another enjoyable hour with my lunch buddy on Friday. She is a great conversationalist! I can't even remember all things we talked about, but I do know I was yet again a Chatty Cathy, which is so not like me. I am typically the most reserved person in ANY group or gathering, and yet she is very freeing... not so much in what she does, but rather what she projects. As Luka Bloom sings in Primavera,

You are a beacon in the crowd
You bring lavender to calm"

...and as I typically catalog relationships through music I would assign Primavera to Miss LeNee`.

On another note, she added me to her list of friends on MySpace, and she sent me one of these electronic 'Kisses'; it's some kind of app that allows for flirting or some such, Needless to say, I sent one back, but then realized that might not have been the best thing. I swear I am not trying to get intimate with her. I just can't do that right now. So I'm choosing-- and rightly so, I think --to take it with a grain of salt. Thousands of people blow those kisses around on MySpace, and as I recently wrote, I know the difference between intrigue and infatuation, or in this case, the difference between flirty friendship and an honest to goodness kiss.

A "Kiss" is two pair of lips embracing the soul of one fleeting moment. This was just an electronic image on my computer screen. [got to remember that... really good metaphor]. I sent her a link to a poem I wrote... One Kiss.

In addition to this, she asked me while at lunch if I would sign up and join her the Saturday of the Peanut Festival Parade out at the fairgrounds at the station's tent and keep her company while she smoozes with the public. I'd love to do that, but I'm deliberately delaying any decision. I have my word to consider... the part where I said I could not date because of my current situation. And while I have no illusion that this would be a date, I worry that I may be becoming too attached to a daydream-- she is THAT powerful of a presence to me --and I still have obligations elsewhere. No... there's no ring on my finger, but I'm not free in any case. I've made promises, and I'm not in the business of breaking promises no matter how attractive the light she exudes.

* * *

Eric P. it seems will still be training me on the cameras. And I've already discussed the whys and wherefores. In addition, however, I will be training him to cover for me when I take vacations.

Sidebar: Primavera just ended, and the shuffle has brought about Fleetwood Mac's Sara...
another powerfully beautiful song.

Eric P, by the way, is another person I am choosing as friend. I have been too long without friends.

* * *

The more I look at the world today the more I can't help but see God's hand in the each day's events. It's as though I can see the pen in His hand; the flow of ink following a line of script written long ago, yet played out in real-time before my eyes. How the world can go about building its plans, its own 21st century Tower of Babel is beyond me. All I can say is the world is overwhelmingly ignorant to the truth. Imagine how wonderful it would be to witness the fulfillment of prophecy... and yet billions of people have failed to see the truth that they ARE witnessing the fulfillment of scripture today; that prophecy is in the process of being fulfilled.

Absolutely amazing.

All my troubles and elations this week pale before that one simple truth. Should the world still be tooling along twenty years from now, all the training I'm about to receive may actually be a benefit to me... the friendships I'm building today may actually bear fruit. I may actually find that woman who will put a ring on my finger. I may actually...

Well... Nothing wrong with dreaming, with hoping for changes in my life. But let's not lose sight of what's really important. And depending on what one values most, what's truly important is either held aloft like a crown of laurels, or left behind somewhere in the dust of our travails. For myself, I have visions of a finish line.

In the meantime I'm going to bed with a headache one-inch larger in circumference than my skull, with nothing but water to ease the pain.

Hey! you know me! I haven't had any medications of ANY sort in ages. They are stictly verbotten! Besides, my body does not have a deficiency in Acetaminophen, or Aspirin. Know the cause... know the cure.

So what cause this tremendous headache? I drank something with aspartame early yesterday morning. Now I'm paying for it. Time and lots of Ionized water will take care of it. What? You never get headaches from drink you diet colas? Perhaps that's because you drink them regularly. Think a caffeine headache is bad? Just try coming off Aspartame. No amount of Tylenol or Aspirin will kill that headache. I know all too well.

happy birthday, planet earth!

October 23, 4,004 BC, which makes you officially 6,012 years old.

Tell us, what's the secret of your great longevity?

another great quote

Here's one from this evening's new episode of Flash Forward. Peter Coyote, playing the President, had this to say about Congress' daily job performance:

This is Congress masturbating to the sound of its own voice."

"Senator Reid... paging senator Reid..."

But then, this isn't an image I want of milquetoast Harry Reid.

Ick! I think I need a case of hydrogen peroxide to boil that thought out of my head!

stumble to find...

...an interesting quote

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

--John Green, Looking for Alaska

I only say "interesting" because it describes exactly how I felt on many occasion about quite a few girls (I say 'girls', but that's just the little boy in me. I mean 'women'), and especially about a new someone in my life.

I'm not interested in the "fnck", I'm interested in the intimacy. And believe you me, Intimacy and Sex are two entirely different soups. They can go hand in hand, but they are not synonymous with one another. The reason being, one is emotional... spiritual even... and can be measured in lifetimes. The other is transitory; it comes, it goes, until next you meet. I fully enjoy the transitory, but I much prefer that one measured by a lifetime.

So, while I do think of the one-- and quite often, being a man --I am drawn to that other 'spiritual' connection between a man and a woman; the one where I could lie down and sleep beside her without the baggage of sex.

Perhaps the most erotic thing I can imagine is being free to be who I am, without fear, in the presence, and in the arms, of someone I truly love.

a new poem

I wrote something new the other night. Another look into my own personal Midlife Crisis. Only this time, it's not about wanting a younger girl, or driving a Harley, or super sportscar, it's more along the lines of wanting to belong to someone. Since I've never married, the older I get the more I think about, and genuinely desire, being near and dear to the heart of a woman who loves me. In short, I want the ring.

So, without further belaying the explanation...

Of Troves Bright and Golden

It is a small thing
A golden peal, a sunlit ring
Trumpets, harps, and harpers sing
Whose grace should ever encircle one finger
Where promise and beauty forever should linger
Within two hearts 'a bed
In linens white and purity's red
Of sureties, promise, the soft petal's led
To the altar where vows are made golden
Like rings ~ circles wherein lives are beholden
Each to the other's trove
Precious, rare, great riches of love
The pearl for which two hearts long strove
Now balanced ~ two rings, two lives joined as one
What great love! One flesh 'neath eternal sun

Yet these are small things
Clutched 'neath linens upon a marriage bed
The troves to which two hearts are wed
Two bright, golden, peerless rings


ELAshley
102009.125107.1
Revisions:
102009.090606.1
102209.020526.6

"when opportunity knocks...

...drag it kicking and screaming through the door."

* * *

I have been thrust into the role of "Internet Guru" at the station. This means I must, by the end of the year, acquire a 'more than' working knowledge of two primary programs, one of which I'm already about 65% there. The other? 15%? Maybe 20? I just never use the program... but now that has to change.

In addition to this, I have to knuckle down and learn Adobe Flash. That's not a problem since I WANT to learn this program. I've already built one very simple Flash ad, but I doubt I remember exactly what I did. So now I have to dive in and become a Flash Master as well.

I just hope there's a sizable pay increase coming before it's all said and done. I need a new car, but I'd settle for a new bike... though I haven't ridden one in more than 35 years.

So things are changing. I may sound like I'm lamenting the change, but don't be fooled. This is a HUGE opportunity, and can only stead well in the future.

In the meantime, I will be quite quite busy.

One thing that truly sucks about this is I will no longer (for the time being) be going out on video shoots learning how to use the cameras. This will have to wait until I get comfortable in my new digs. I'll still get to learn the camera, and edit, but for now I have a lot to do to get myself up to speed with my supervisors expectations.

What this means on a personal level is I won't get to go out on shoots with my lunch buddy. I'll only get to see her when she's in town and available for lunch, which is usually once or twice a week.

So there it is... a great opportunity, with one serious drawback. But then she's not my girl, so I have no reason to view this as a drawback...

right?

e's wEekly brain dump

I did something this week I swore I'd never do... create a MySpace page. And now that's I've got one I haven't a clue what to do with it. I have to be careful, however, to make sure nothing potential future employers [or girlfriends or people whom I respect, or will come to respect] see or read that would paint me in a negative light. I wish to retain a measure of respect from everyone I meet. Sounds fair, right? I deserve the best, and will therefore avoid posting anything that might serve me a less palatable future experience.

I see a lot of customized pages there, but haven't managed to figure that part of it out. I had enough of a time figuring out Facebook, and I haven't really got a good handle on that one either.

Twitter? Piece of cake. Worthless, but a piece of cake... a novelty, if you will. Kinda like one of those creepy mechanical monkeys that clang together those irritating brass cymbals.

BrightKite? A completely useless account... a glorified digital flare gun. Woo Hoo! Like I want folks to know where I'm at at any given hour of the day.

These new sites seem geared toward the dispensing of personal privacy. Why would anyone want to lose every shred of privacy they have by letting complete and total strangers into just about every intimate detail of your life? Seems to me that if you have any respect for yourself at all you'd jealously guard your reputation AND privacy both! But not the yoots of today.

Anyway, all this is a process of acclimation the station is putting us through. We are all being forced into the digital age whether we want it or not. I've been blogging for years so I'm not a stranger to that part of it. And as to that part, I intend to keep it separate from all the new accounts the station wants us to create. I'm not sure how, as a graphic artist for the station's website, or as a videographer for the Creative Services department, Twitter, MySpace, BrightKite, or even Facebook will serve the station. But I can see some need for being "in touch" with emerging technologies and trends. So I'll go along with their evil schemes to corner the local viewer/traffic market. Edging out the local paper and utterly destroying that other station.

It's all part of the ratings game.

* * *

I had another long and quite lovely lunch with the lovely LeNeé-- I even told my roommate about my new 'lunch buddy'. I did most of the talking, I believe. Man, but it just felt so nice being able to talk and express my thoughts without having to guard every word. It was quite freeing. I wasn't the least bit nervous. And she responded openly, even welcomingly. And I appreciate her all the more for it.

She asked a day or so prior if I'd be interested in seeing "New Moon" with her when it comes to the theaters. I told her I hadn't even seen "Twilight," at which she insisted I rent it. Well, I hate movie rentals so I did the next best thing, which was order it off Comcast OnDemand. For $2.99 I watched a film I had no real desire to see, while burning it to DVD for future consumption.

In fairness to those who like the movie, it was a pretty decent film as teenage angst/vampire films go, and I admit I enjoyed it. I wouldn't have spent the price of a movie ticket for it, let alone buy the DVD, but thanks to Comcast, and one cent short of three bucks, I achieved the same end. Not only that, having seen the first, I will also own up to a desire to see "New Moon".

Now here's the question:

Am I interested in seeing the film? Or am I interested in sitting in the dark, and sharing popcorn, with LeNeé?

There's time enough to figure that one out.

Tangentially to the first portion of this post, I came across LeNeé's MySpace page yesterday afternoon, and that more than the station's insistence, prompted me to create my own MySpace page much earlier than I otherwise would have. I also saw a pic of what I assume is the guy she's still sweet on, despite being broke-up. He's looks older than me, and is much more buff, which is saying a lot since I am not even remotely "buff."

And no, I did not send a request to be friends with her. I'm content to let nature take its course.

Speaking of which...

Did you read my previous post?

* * *

I mentioned earlier that I told Cristal about my "lunch buddy." Yes, I did. But I presented it in such a way as to NOT make it sound like I was trying to date LeNeé, which I am not-- it's important you know this. Just as important as it was to make sure Cristal knew this. She was a little jealous. And if I could tell she was a little J, it's pretty sure she was "a lot" J. She wanted to know why I never called her to meet me for lunch. What was I supposed to say?

Should I have told her that I always have to guard what I say for fear of angering her? That her personality is so strong and overpowering that mine is never allowed enough sunlight through the shade of her own limbs to allow me anything other than stunted personal and communicative growth? And this is the primary reason I asked LeNeé to lunch in the first place. I have to learn to socialize with other people... especially women. And, believe it or not, I even told LeNeé this during our first lunch. I wanted to make sure she understood I wasn't trying to hit on her, whatever my heart really desired. But, as I related in a recent poem: I know the difference between Intrigue and Infatuation.

I am intrigued. Nothing more.

For now.

thE circle of life

Pepe is a friend of mine. He's scruffy, and short and absolutely loves tomatoes. Something else, he absolutely hates getting his feet wet. When outside, if the grass is wet or even lightly dewy, he will stay on the sidewalk or driveway, never venturing into the grass... he's just picky that way.

Even when its bathroom time, if the grass is wet, too bad mister concrete, you're getting shat upon. That's right, Pepe is a dog, and when the grass is wet he will do his business on the sidewalks. So, imagine my surprise the other day when I noticed three tomato plants growing in the crack between the sidewalk and the grass. What's up with that, I thought. Then it occurred to me... I sweep his leavings to the verge. In the fullness of time, three seeds, having survived Pepe's GI tract, have sprung to life. Pre-fertilized.

The bad news? Autumn is beginning to settle in; colder temperatures and colder winds. Those three hapless seeds picked a bad time to demonstrate the wonderful circle of life.

Come spring I intend to let Pepe gorge on Roma tomatoes, then take him out to the garden where he'll be allowed to poo to his heart's content, saving me the trouble of planting. Let nature take its course.

in thE [sweatshop]s of loveplay

Okay, so I've dusted off one of three novels in progress-- the one I set aside a couple of years ago. Then, I was about a quarter of the way through... I'm still there.

And it's hard going! I mean, I left all my characters hanging, and there's no telling what they've been up to since, so right now I'm trying to get everyone back where they're supposed to be [insert footage of cat herders], and gather my notes. I'm also trying clean up a few plot problems I have with the beginning. What compels Angelina to sit with Etienne, and why insist they sit in such a way as to allow neither of them a view of the other?

A very fine and particularly scarce wine.

The particulars in specifics? Why is the wine so good? Why is it scarce? And why is Angelina so initially furious at Etienne? Or could it be she's furious with herself? Can the wine be SO good as to make her sit with the man who has bought the very last case available to the public? And why the screen to prevent Etienne from seeing her? And how much exactly DID Etienne shell out for those last twelve bottles?

Most of these questions I already have worked out. The one that's truly been giving me hardships is the question of "Why" the wine is so scarce, and why the last case was available where it was.

You see, it was Angelina's intention to buy that case, but when she allowed three weeks to pass beyond the date she promised to make the purchase, someone else came in looking for the "Angel" he had seen on the fountain's edge, just one hour before, outside a small but prosperous ristorante in Venice.

When the owner's wife realized who Etienne was looking for, she offered him a glass of their best wine. So good was the wine Etienne decided to buy some, but the wife, thinking to set the two up, would only sell the wine by the case... the last remaining case... the one Angelina desired to buy.

Oh! And for those wondering about this post's title? This book I'm writing is titled In the Gardens of Loveplay... Aaaah, beginning to make sense now, isn't it? Sweatshops? Hard work?

Yes, it is.

happiness is a warm guitar

HiaWG [act 1] is a simple enough riff but it's been slow going. Perhaps I expect too much. After all, I've only given it about an hours worth of practice in two days. Then again, it could simply be slow going because I'm set in my ways. I've been using a 4-2-3-1 pattern, near exclusively, for over thirty years, and despite the fact that I've developed variations of that pattern which allow me to express beyond simplicity, I am still "stuck"-- I shouldn't use that word since I have begun in earnest to break away from from the 4-2-3-1.

But... trying to vocalize this other simple pattern is forcing me to retrain. Muscle memory will take care of it, but it will take a few days to get it smooth, a couple of weeks to get it without thinking about it.

* * *

Trying to learn from two different guitarists... no, make that three... is proving difficult. The Beatles are simple, but different from what I'm used to. Richard Gilewitz is also simple, but he's taken simplicity and developed a new complexity-- this is pretty much where I am. I have my own style, my own simplicity turned complexity, yet despite this feat I wish to play as others do.

And speaking of complexity, Lindsey Buckingham is so simple it might as well be an entirely new language. He's simple, but fast. And I've resigned myself to the truth that his live version of Big Love is beyond my ability. Some songs only their creators can perform-- or a very few others, and I am not among the lucky few.

But I do all this to break free of long, ingrained habit. Which is a fancy way of saying I've been lazy. I've come to realize if I want to fly, I must first break free of Earth.

What is it Seal sings toward the end of Crazy?

In a world full of people, only some want to fly,
Isn't that crazy?

Yes. It is.

e's wEekly brain dump

A number of things. First.

I went to see her this afternoon. I hadn't had a chance to speak with her [and that's a very particular distinction...'speak WITH her'... not 'TO her'] since our lunch last week. And what she was wearing... goodness! I tried very very very hard not to look at the swell of her small breasts [the kind I very much prefer] at the bottom of her plunging neckline. I worried so much over it I think I spent an inordinate amount of time looking her in the eye. And stammering. ...more than I am wont. She is so beautiful. But I remind myself, both then and now, I am not chasing her in that way. I have no right to considering my circumstances. What I am interested in is getting my feet wet-- and learning to interact with attractive women. It has been decades since I last attempted to schmooze my way into a fair lady's good graces.

And she's amenable. She interested in having lunch with me, perhaps a movie. But romance is off the table. I made sure of it at the outset.

I know, I know. Kick me! I deserve it.

But then again, she may not even be ready herself for the kind of advances the baser me would make. And I owe it to both myself and her to be a gentleman.

* * *

Last night, aching from every joint, muscle, and connective tissue, I still found it difficult to drop immediately off to sleep, which is unusual for me. I generally drop off before two songs have passed on whatever CD I set to play. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but since I was 16 I went to sleep with the radio on... and this was PRE-CD. Back then it was either the radio or the turn-table. And now, 36 years later, I find it more difficult to sleep without music than with. Anyway, in times like this I'll do one of three things. I'll practice a bit on the guitar, and let music (there it is again) easy whatever tensions I've built up during the day. Or I'll read a book. Usually I don't make it past one chapter, sometime no more than a page or two. Or, I'll dig out a notebook and pen and begin to write. What follows is what I did last night before starting up Gerry Rafferty's North and South...


Laying to Rest What Bears Repeating

Laying here
Body stretched naked and aching
Trying to slow the beat of my heart
Trying to chase a melody
To corners dark
Putting it to bed... Dirt to Dust
     Insistent beat to the slide of steel on steel
     To soft tapping like raindrops on the frets of my guitar
Putting her to bed
That I might do the same

My neck aches
Feet throb
It's hard to imagine I have reached that age
I feared at ten
     feared at twenty
     feared at thirty
     come to accept at forty-nine
I wish only to sleep
And sleep long
I wish only to dream
Close my eyes
Shut off thought
Sleep
Dream
Rinse
Repeat
And when I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
When I stop and I turn
And I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom
And... return to the end
Of another day
Body aching. Naked and stretched
Across the universe
Struggling to erase the pains
Of another day
Wishing only to close my eyes
Shut off thought
Chase sleep down long corridors
And dream...
Rinse and repeat
And like a glutton
Return for yet more

Rinse

Repeat


Rinse



Repeat

* * *

I'll note here that I am a Beatles fan, and so Helter Skelter slipped itself in as did Across the Universe. Also 'putting to bed' the melody refers to Richard Gilewitz's 7-minute acoustic masterpiece Dirt to Dust. I've been listening to it for the last several days... over and over and over again.

* * *

Lastly. Last night I finished my new banner... 'and everything e'. I chose words that have significance in my life.

• 2 Lines of lyrics from different songs
• Places I've lived
• Characters I've written
• Books I've read
• Subjects that interest me
• And, I believe, a number of things that speak to why I am who I am

It's a dark banner, but it has meaning. More on that later.

* * *

She and I will have lunch again next week. I'll struggle yet again to NOT think of her in romantic terms. I'll likely NOT struggle with sleep, but I'll write, I'll play. And I will sleep. And continue to make sense of where I am and who I've become.

And that concludes this weeks brain dump...

Ciao, for now.

I have to post the poem at my poetry page before crawling into bed.... still haven't decide what CD I'll set to spinning.

obama wins pEace prize?

I'm sorry... does that mean anything any more? I mean, after Yasser Arafat...

on the hEels of...

stuck on a groove

I've been listening to the same song for several days now. Over and over. Had the iPod set to repeat. Can't say why, exactly. All I know is it felt right, so I listened... perhaps a hundred or more times. I do know this though, there's been a lot of heavy things on my mind so perhaps this song got me through. But I have moved on. I've reengaged 'shuffle' and other songs have begun to play. Still. It makes me wonder why I do this. It happens more often than you might think, but never for 5 days solid.

Here's a link to the mp3. It's a free download.

They Don't Know
-Tracey Ullman