to fair beautiful disappointment

I was to have lunch today with the incomparable woman that is my lunch buddy. I haven't seen her in over a month, and I miss her terribly. First she postponed for a later lunch because of clients, then she called to say she couldn't break away. I ate at two. I ate alone.

Though I have no right to, or expectations that she should feel the same, I miss her all the same. And secretly wish there were more to our infrequent meetings than lunch and friendship.

I give too much away, and should erase that last line... but won't. I'm a man: I have eyes, a heart, and my heart likes what it sees. And feels.

I should erase that last bit too...

But won't.

the greatest love poems of all time: #4

A Decade

When you came, you were like red wine and honey.
And the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness.
Now you are like morning bread,
Smooth and pleasant.
I hardly taste you at all, for I know your savor,
But I am completely nourished.

--Amy Lowell

I've written a few myself, though no one has thought to label them as "Greatest of all Time." I like this one because it's succinct; it says what it has to say without grandiosity.

"dEsigning" Christmas Cool

I'm attached to a movie project as a graphic artist. It's strictly pro bono since it's a church project and this is their first foray into long-form media... of any kind. No money this go-around, but should a second film be in the offing, I could see some compensation. I have already designed the company logo and it's already in use. Now, assuming I continue with the project, I'll be designing a film logo and poster. I already have a music credit to my name, it'd be cool to have a film credit as well.

I say, 'assuming I continue' because I sent a letter last night to the man running the show... writer, director Wayne Patterson. He's a great guy. The only problem I have is the lack of communication and too many chiefs deciding what is and is not muster-passing artwork. The letter below doesn't address the lack of communication because, for me, that's the least of the two issues. In the business I work I only have to please three people: the Client, the Sales Agent, and my Supervisor. In that order. If I had to please the entire building I'd never get anything done. Capiche?

In response to Wayne's "I sent you an email yesterday and haven't heard back. I need to know how to proceed with the project" email, Here then is my reply in full...

Apologies Wayne,

My plate at work has been very full lately. I spoke with Brenda this morning about the project and I am very much interested in continuing. I do have time on weekends and some nights to devote to this project.

As to the logo, I'm still unclear about what you want and, more to the point, what you want the logo to do-- what kind of message do you want it to send? Typically logos are short and sweet; a simple image or design that encapsulates a larger idea or theme. Working where you do you know this to be true; the Toyota logo is universally identifiable. Movie logos are obviously different, but not markedly so, and they are more text-based of a necessity.

The designs you sent yesterday are nice, but I just don't see how they translate to a logo. A poster, yes, but not a logo. I will give you whatever you want. And if that's all you want me for-- I'm happy to do it. But I wonder why you would need a graphic artist for that.

I've thought a lot about your vision in terms of the design-- specifically the poster --and here's an idea I've been thinking about. I like the backgrounds you've been using, but I'd prefer to build something similar from scratch, something that will convey the same feel. I like the silhouette idea as well, but I personally would avoid any structure in terms of the silhouettes being attached to black columns or any geometric shapes. And since one of this film's biggest features is the Big Band sound, I would love to see a similar silhouetted figure of Denver blowing his horn in the foreground below and to the left of the actors silhouettes which would, of course, be much larger than little boy blue blowing his horn.

You also need to think of verbiage. What do you want the poster to say? What message? Because whatever message you decide upon must be incorporated into the design. The message needs to become part of the design... the two elements need to be in harmony. The design must be able to absorb the text without diminishing it's message. Make sense?

As to the logo, please think about what message/feeling you want it to convey. Upbeat? Serious? Dramatic? Musical? And think about text. The logo can and should incorporate some measure of design other than text, but... simple is better; a 'less is more' approach. Remember the clip you showed us all from "The Matrix"? The Logo was displayed prominently at the very beginning and, although it was a purely textual logo, the design lent itself to a specific impression... computer code. Same thing with the movie "300" -- strictly text, but red and violent. "Ice Age"? strictly text, but comedic and frigid.

Forgive me if I sound like I'm trying to run your show. Truly I'm not. I've been an artist all my life. God gave it to me. Something else He gave me was a stubborn streak-- I've worked very hard to curb it, and not always successfully. I just want you to know that I can color in the lines if you want me to, but I prefer less constraint.

I want to be a part of this project, and I guess I've said all this to say, are you sure you want me? Because I've obviously got an independent streak. I'm willing to work with you and the rest of the team. If I'm being asked to do a job, my work needs to meet someone's approval, that only makes sense. But does it have to meet everyone's approval? You are that person, or so I've been led to believe. It's your vision. So, if I have to pass everyone's muster this will become an unnecessarily difficult process.

No! :) My feelings weren't hurt with the rejection of the last logo I sent. What surprised me was how many people had a say in whether or not it was good enough. At WTVY I have, basically, three people to impress: The Client, The Sales Rep, and my Supervisor... in that order. If I had to please everyone in the building I'd never finish a single project.

My heart is open to you. I've poured it out in honesty toward you. I want to be a part. My desire is perfection, however impossible that may turn out to be, but my concern is too many chiefs making the job you're asking me to do just as impossible.

At this late stage in the game, storyboards are not something I have time for. But I do have time, and more to spare, for the logo and poster. I'm also willing to take part in actual filming when it starts up in earnest. In fact, I'd LOVE to be a part of that.

You say you need to know how to proceed. I've shown you my heart in this, so do me a favor and pray on this. If in a few days you still feel led to include me, I will consider it both and honor and blessing to continue walking with you.

Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

Amos 3:3

My prayers are with you whatever you decide

May God richly bless you

Yours in Christ



Eric Ashley

I had to write that letter. I didn't like doing it because I know how it sounds, and it's not my desire to strike back with criticism. "They" didn't like the logo I sent last November? Fine. I have to start from scratch a lot at work. Like the current Health Care debate, sometimes it's better to just start all over from the beginning. So, If Wayne still wants me to work on this project I will. But I had to lay out some ground rules. I need assurance that I'll only be asked to impress a bare minimum of people-- what do script supervisors know of graphic design? Especially script supervisors who've never before supervised a script?

Artists are touchy. Ask anyone who has to work with them. Ask Dennis, a friend of mine, who is in contact, almost daily, with members of the Country Music Industry. I'd bet my next paycheck he could tell you some stories.

I do good work. I want to continue to do good work. But if I'm constantly fretting about what the caterer is going to think about my designs, then my passion becomes muted... dampened... and it'll show in both my enthusiasm for the project and the quality of work I deliver. What kind of cake would I bake if everyone got to throw an ingredient into my batter? I wouldn't want to eat it.

And this is where EL stands in his first movie production. I know I'm in the credits already, but I'd rather see the project all the way through. I joined up at the beginning, I'd like to still be there at the end.

And that's all I got to say about that.

The film, by the way, is entitled "Writing Christmas Cool"

~Fine~

though I do not yet know her name

I was thinking recently, with the turn of another year, on the desert loneliness that is the sound of most Jackson Browne songs; how free he is to sing as though he were speaking-- straight language and ideas without the usual short-lined verses of metaphor and innuendo that populate most lyrics these days. So I began to write, hearing Jackson Browne sing my song, his voice to my lyrics and melody. This is the result.


Afire For You

I I've been alone long, and a dreamer
For most of my life
Though I desire soft clean linens I'll still
Sleep in the desert tonight
Another night of tossing and turning
Another night of sleeping alone
And when the morning light comes to find me
Though every hour spent trying to atone
I'm still very much alone

II Chasing sleep down long corridors
Seems that's all I ever do
All I'm ever left with come daybreak
Are my fitful dreams of you
Another night beneath the cold desert sky
Another night of sleeping alone
Every morning that comes only serving to remind me
Despite every hour spent trying to atone
I'm still very much alone

O, And how I've wandered
How I've carried this torch for you
Never looked in your eyes, never made to ponder
How my love for you strengthened and grew
Though I be cut to the bone
And suffer to atone
I'll always very much alone

III When I close my eyes and dream of you
While sleeping deeply through this night
The stars wheeling 'cross the glittering sky
And making love til the morning light
How do you leave the bed you've made with love
Shoulder your pack and continue to roam?
'Cause I've spent my life, all my sins to atone
Yet I'm still very much alone

O, And how I've wandered
How I've carried this torch for you
Never looked in your eyes, never kissed your soft smile
Yet my love for you strengthened and grew
Though I be cut to the bone
Giving my life to atone
I'll still be very much alone

If there's an angel set to observe me
Dogging my e-ver-y step
Could he have not seen fit
To lead me out of the desert
And into your loving arms?
O, Into your loving arms

With my heart on fire for you
My heart afire for you



ELAshley
Part I - 010210.11>.6
Part II - 010410.11>.6
Part III - 010810.11>.6
Revisions:
011210.111002.6

This was written for someone specific, though I do not yet know her name.

day one

2009 had been perhaps the most depressing year of my life. I hope to change that this year. My game plan is still a bit undefined at present, but at least it's something I'm actively dwelling on. A few goals for this year:

• Move out into my own place
• Find someone with whom I can spend next Christmas & New Years Eve
• Care more about myself by getting into shape

That's enough to keep me busy without becoming overwhelmed. They're ambitious financial goals, all three. There's lots to do and only so much cash each payday to do it with, but I am determined to see it through.

As to the first, I worry that with my poor credit rating I won't be able to find a decent apartment to rent. I also worry about the start-up costs of actually moving in: deposit, first month's rent, dog deposit, electric deposit. Then there are the other costs, mostly for peace of mind, such as an emergency fund of at least five-hundred, a washer and dryer, and enough cash to move into a new place should such a move become necessary-- always have an exit strategy.

Though not on the list, reliable transportation is part and parcel with moving out. I have to be able to see to my transportation needs when the car must stay in the shop. I'd like a new vehicle, but short of a three to four thousand dollar annual increase, that's not going to happen anytime soon. And, of course, there's the question of my poor credit rating.

Part two on my list of things to do this year can only begin, let alone be accomplished, upon completion of the first. I cannot expect any woman to accept me while still living where I am. It is undeniably true that my present "living arrangement" has own her room and her own bed, and I never see anything intimate in the relationship, but I can't expect any woman to believe it. Besides which, the woman I AM interested in... well, I've already told her I couldn't be anything more than a friend until such a time as I am living on my own. And this is a difficult woman to pin down on anything.

I admitted some time ago that I have a tendency to chase women who are emotionally unavailable, and this woman of whom I speak is just such a one. She too is in a similar spot as I am, pining for a man who's just not into her... kinda like where I am right now, though I'm not pining; I've given up, in fact. Given up trying to love someone who has no desire to ever make an honest man of me. She wants to be affectionate but I'm lost all interest in kisses and such. I'd rather they came from someone else; someone who can look at me and see someone worth drawing INTO her arms, not holding me at arms length.

Lastly, there's caring more about myself. This will involve aspects of spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. I have neglected myself in all three areas for far too long. I weigh 260 now, and need to drop to 200, minimum. I need to draw closer to the Lord, and I need to believe in myself far more than I ever have before.

I've also noticed some changes in my body's function that needs acute attention. I am not one to seek medical attention, so I will first attempt the avenues I preach to everyone else and seek natural holistic approaches to a short list of problems. I will see a doctor this summer for a prostate exam, but that will be the extent of it. On the off chance cancer should be found I will NOT take chemo or radiation treatments. I will do what many others have done to combat the problem... and I will live. Also along this line, I'm making a list of books I'll need... a tidy stack of them.

And there it is. Not resolutions so much as a short list of resolves.

Finally, at some point, I have to ascertain whether what I'm feeling toward a certain someone is genuine or not, and whether she reciprocates. Or not.